Edward Gets Pwned
by Edward Sparkles
Summary: *ANTI-TWILIGHT STORY* A Twilight parody about everyone's favorite sparkling vampire stalker and all of the misfortunes that follow in "normal" every day life!
1. Bella Meets the Family

Author's Note: Yes, this is an incredibly stupid (On purpose) anti-Twilight parody. So if you are absolutely in love with Twilight, don't read it! That simple. =) Twilight Haters Unit! Oh, and obviously, I don't own Twilight or anything like that.  
Bella Meets the Family Bella looked over at her window from behind her covers. Edward Cullen, her vampire stalker, was sitting like a frog on the window ledge- staring at her with his creepy eyes that were a crazy shade of yellow for some really weird reason. Maybe he had a disease or something.  
For the past 5 months, he had been staring at her every night. During the day, he would follow her everywhere. He was "protecting her", as Edward would say. "Stalking" was more like it- and she was pretty sure that THAT was illegal as far as Bella was concerned.  
"Bella.... are you asleep yet...?" Edward questioned as his eyes pierced into Bella's mind.  
"No, Edward."  
"Just checking."  
Bella sunk under her covers a little more to hide herself.  
***** The next day, Bella awoke to find Edward perched at the end of her bed.  
"Heeeeeeeeey Bella! I watched you sleep all night for the 150 day in a row- without sleep, too! Yaaaaaay for Edward!." He jumped up and down on Bella's bed repeatedly. Suddenly he grabbed Bella by the ankles and began dragging her down the steps with a loud thud each time she was pulled down a step. "Captain Crunch time, my love! You see, I love you sooo much that I even saved the Crunch Berry kind just for you! Because I love you!" Edward hugged the bloody mess at the bottom of the steps and plopped Bella in a chair.  
The vampire quickly leaped on top of the table, grabbed the spoon, and shoved a spoonful of sugary deliciousness into Bella's mouth. Edward giggled. "I have no idea what Crunch Berries taste like, but I bet they don't taste as sweet as you, Bella! Because I love you! Heehee!"  
"When will you get out of my house, you psycho stalker freak?" she replied solemnly.  
"Glad you asked! Today, I thought we could go on a m a g i c a l excursion to meet mah family! Gweeeeee! It'll just be so much fun! Plus, we'll get to do it...... together. Because we'll always be together won't we, Bella? *Twitch Twitch*" Edward smooshed the side of his face into Bella's. "Let us go!"  
" Noooooo......."  
The sun was warm and bright in their pathetic little excuse of a city. It swept over the gloomy streets like golden honey, enveloping everything. As the duo reached the door step, Edward gasped in delight. "Gweeeeeee! Bella, lookie! The sun is shining, like me!" He held up one pale arm as it began "sparkling like diamonds" in the sun light.  
"Aw, gay!" Bella cringed at the site of her "boyfriend" dancing in the sunlight while giggling in delight.  
"Everything about me spahkles! Mah arm spahkles," he held up an arm."and mah leg spahkles," he held up his leg. "even my button nose spahkles! Gwee! I'm gonna be flying through the forest and people gonna be like, 'Wow! Look at that sparkler flying through the forest! Wait, that's not a sparkler, that's just Edward! Hi Edward!' And I'll be all like, hi little ant people! Lookit me spahkle and stuff!"  
".......Creeper."  
Edward grabbed Bella by the waist, threw her over his shoulder, and began leaping from roof-top to roof-top towards his mansion, which made Bella wonder why people who tried to remain hidden had bought such an obvious looking house that was right next to a McDonalds and a Wal-Greens.  
After several hours of flying through the forest blindly, smacking into trees, and also several stops to let Bella throw up from motion sickness, they finally reached their destination. Edward burst through the door and stopped at the feet of a decent looking young man with pale-colored hair."  
"Edward!" He exclaimed as he opened up his arms for a hug.  
`"Carlisle!" Edward embraced the hug and turned towards Bella. "Carlisle, this is Bella! Bella, this is Carlisle- my daddy!"  
"Edward, why is this...." he paused. "woman in my house?" He glared at Bella with his dark colorless eyes.  
"Because I wuv her! And Bella wuvs me! And we will always love each other FOREVER!" He hugged Bella. "So where's Alice, Jasper, and the other people who's names I can't remember, daddy?"  
Bella erupted into laughter. Seriously, who names their kid Jasper?!? "Edward, Jasper, and Alice? What is WRONG with you people?!?"  
Carlisle sniffled and began pouting as he went to his emo corner, where people do emo-ish things obviously. "Well I didn't name them. I just decided to go and bite (among other things) small children for the fun of it."  
"Ok, THAT"S not creepy at all." Bella noted.  
"Did I mention they were dying?"  
"Still, kinda pedophile-ish if you ask me."  
"I have a wife."  
"Ok....?"  
Suddenly, a small girl appeared at the top of the stair case. She had dark hair and was wearing a light colored dress with makeup smeared all over her face.  
"Alice!" Edward exclaimed.  
"Edward!"  
"Carlisle!"  
"Daddy!"  
"Alice!"  
"Jasper!" (He was standing there the whole time! Silly Jasper and his ninja camouflage!)  
"Edward!"  
"Bella!"  
"Wife!" (She was standing there all along too!" Silly whats-her-name!)  
"Bella!"  
"Bella?"  
Bella had been driven insane by the vampire and his retarded family and had quickly made her escape out the door.  



	2. Edward Goes To McDonalds

Author's Note: Yes, yet another anti-Twilight story parody thingy. Yes, it involves violence pertaining to Edward Cullen. So if you like Twilight, obviously don't read it! =D

Edward Goes to McDonalds

"Bella, are we there yeeeeet?"

"No, Edward." We're not there yet."

"But Bella, I really need to go to the bathroooooom!"

"I thought vampires didn't have to pee."

Edward looked around nervously and whispered, "It's number two...." He then resumed his whining. "Bellaaaaaa....... NOW are we there yet?!?"

"Edward, I swear to everything that is holy that I will dump you and leave you for Jacob to eat if you say that ONE MORE FRICKIN' TIME!" Bella pulled the car to a sudden stop, sending Edward sprawling into the seat in front of him. She turned around to glare at Edward, who was playing with his 'My Little Vampire Pony' toys in the backseat.

Edward dropped his pretty pink Dracula pony in a panicked fashion. He gasped. "Bella... you don't mean that, do you....? 'Cause I wuv you and I'm sorry if I went against your wishes...." Edward paused. "...Nah! You wouldn't do that! Besides, I've waited 354.9593030234766 years exactly to find my true love.... and that's YOU Bella! Hee hee!" Suddenly, Edwards expression turned cold. "Even if you did leave me, I would find you. No matter where you would go, who you would meet, what you would do, I would find you Bella. Then, I would continue stalking you or he rest of your life.... All because I love you..... and you love me, Bella. You DO love me.... " *Twitch*

Edward giggled and kissed Bella on the cheek. In response, Bella crashed the car into a handicapped parking sign and sent Edward flying through the front window into a bench with a statue of Ronald McDonald sitting on it smiling. Poor Ronald now had his head smashed in and Edward was lying in a pile of smiling- yet probably unhappy- clown in the grass. However, unlike the poor clown Edward came out of the rubble scratch-free; Ya know, since he was a "vampire" and all.

"Aw.... Bella- that poor clown.... You made me kill the clown.... I'll fix it!" Edward happily skipped over to the bench and attempted to place Ronald's crumpled head back on his shoulders unsuccessfully. "Oops."

Bella sighed. "You're a lost hope, Edward. Come on, let's hurry up and get inside before anyone sees us." Swiftly, she opened the door and entered the bright-red building.

"Raaaaah! I wants me a happeh meal!"

/////

Inside, the building was packed with crowds of people standing in line and people enjoying their food. At the head of the line, a rather large woman was ordering a Big Mac, 2 large fries, 4 apple pies, and a small salad. There was at least thirteen other people waiting in line behind her. The sound of screaming children and the smell of greasy food erupted into the air.

"Bella, it's crowded." Complained Edward.

".....Great observation skills, Edward. Besides- I thought you had to go to the bathroom."

Edward cringed. "Ew. Heeeeeeey, silly! Vampires don't need to go to the bathroom!"

"Wha? But you just said-"

"I said what?"

"Never mind."

After about 20 minutes of standing in line listening to screeching children and their children, the line had only gone up by five people.

"Bella.... It's still too crowded and I'm tired of waiting! I'm hungry! I wanna eeeeeat!"

Bella slapped him for complaining too much. "Would you like some cheese with your WHINE, Edward? Huh?!?"

"No ma'am.

"That's what I though, foo. Besides, we can't just magically skip places in line." Wrong word choice.

Edward silently crept forward, reached around the man in front of him, and snapped his neck like a twig using his super-human strength. The older man's lifeless body fell to the floor. He continued going down the line and either punching, biting, or snapping people's necks in a timely fashion while humming the Mission Impossible theme. Finally, they reached the head of the line.

"Hey, look at that Bella! It's our turn now! Gweeeeee!" Edward jumped up and down excitedly as the cashier coward in front of the register.

Bella looked around her at the floor. It was covered in bodies. Everyone in the resteraunt had stopped eating and were staring at the couple curiously. "I think that's illegal, Edward.... Anyway; Our order. I would like 8 double cheese burgers and Edward will have a-"

"HAPPEH MEAL!" He interrupted. "WITH A STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE TOY! No... uh.... CARE BEAR TOY! YEAH! SUNSHINE BEAR!"

Bella nodded. "Likewise, with a Happy Meal."

The cashier looked over Edward. The vampire was at least six feet tall and had dark golden hair and eyes. "A-aren't you a little t-too old for a Kid's Meal?"

"I"M ONLY 514 YEARS OLD! HAPPEH MEAL FOR EDWARD!" He pounded his fists on the desk and stared at the man, his eyes flashing angrily. "Happeh.... Meal...."

Without hesitation the cashier quickly entered their order, complete with a Happy Meal, into the cash register. "You're meal will be right up, s-sir. Have a n-n-nice day."

/////

The duo grabbed their meal and sat down at a nearby table. Edward hungrily opened up his red smiling cardboard sack and dumped the food out on the floor. He began searching for his toy amongst the discarded food.

"Don't waste that! I payed good money for that meal!" Bella complained as she downed her fourth burger.

Finally, Edward found his toy and was now ripping open the plastic. "Gweeeee!" His heart sank as he slid the plastic off only to reveal a red and yellow action figure. "NOOOOOO! I don't want Iron Man!!! I wanted Sunshine Bear!" Furiously, he threw it down on the ground and crossed his arms in a pouting position. When the toy hit the ground, it shot a yellow pointed "laser" out it's hand. The "laser" had somehow managed to embed itself in Edward's forehead. Blood began running down his perfect face. "......Nyeeeeh! *Sob* Not only did I not get Sunshine Bear, this stupid toy decides to *sniffle* attack me.... I HATE THIS PLACE! Bella, I wanna LEAVE now! *Pout*"

So they left McDonalds, never to return.


End file.
